Monday, April 28, 2008

The Fine Beverages to be found In BARcelona

Most of the yoofs coming to this resplendent and glorious city-see Freddie Merks and the Dons homage above filed under DELUSION- will be wanting to put the 'Bar' in Barcelona so I've prepared a quick and handy hint sheet to see you on your way to getting four sheets to the wind in Barcelona!

Now, while it may be true that the Catalan Capital possess' many fine drinking establishments, a true nightlife connoisseur wishing to sample some of Barca's nocturnal delights will dispense with the notion of visiting a bar altogether. That's right visiting a bar in Barca is unnecessary. Simply head down to your local supermarket and get your grubby hands on a couple litres of vodka at a knock out price. Upon leaving the shop swig them back immediately need for mixes and glasses. Neat and cheap, thats how the locals drink it!

Easy isn't it? step stagger down the Ramblas shouting obscenities and singing as loudly as you can in your native tongue to make yourselves known to the upstanding entrepreneurs who line the street awaiting your custom. These upwardly mobile salesmen will provide you with the 'top ups' you require. "CERVEZA, CERVEZZA beer" are the magic words you should look out for. They will offer you the finest domestic brews at a great rate. If you are really fortunate you might get nice a dose of wails disease thrown in for good measure.

Just so you know. that beer you hold in your hand has been carefully stored and matured in one of Barcelona's famous cellars, cellars so clean and hygienic it would make your granny proud. Seeing how this is Barcelona you know that these same cellars are guaranteed rat free.

Vintage drinks at non vintage prices..drinking al fresco..what could be better?.. A punch in the face? A nice mugging? a spot of sexual assault?...well it's your lucky day..all these things are available at no extra cost!

A number of confused visitors have written in to pick my brains as to why Estrella Damm beer sells for 1 euro and Coke sells for 50 euros on the Barca market?...the answer I give, as always, is CATALAN PRIDE!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Barcelona - Such a beautiful horizon/ Such a wonderful Delusion

Let the songs begin
-Déjalo nacer
Let the music play
Make the voices sing
-Nace un gran amor
Start the celebration
-Ven a
And cry
Come alive
And shake the foundations from the skies
Ah,Ah,Shaking all our lives

Barcelona - Such a beautiful horizon
Barcelona - Like a jewel in the sun
Por ti seré gaviota de tu bella mar
Barcelona - Suenan las campanas
Barcelona - Abre tus puertas al mundo
If God is willing
-If God is willing
If God is willing
Friends until the end
Viva - बार्सेलोना
Freddie Mercury

Now I'm a big fan of Freddie MerK , he got many things right-the dress sense,the sexual promiscuity and he could certainly carry a good tune. An intelligent bloke with good taste hey? However he let me down when it comes to Barcelona.That's right, Freddie joins the herd for once and perpetuates the general delusion held by the rest of the tourists who trek down the 'famed' Las Ramblas like so many caribou. The only line that rings true in this song is the "and cry" bit.
I've seen lots of people crying in Barcelona-I've done a fair bit myself I can tell you-I've seen old women crying after they've been dragged across the ground because one of the locals took a fancy to her fake Louis Vuitton handbag, I've seen junkies crying for want of a fix and pumped up Glaswegians weeping because they got one.
Delusion wafts around Barcelona like methane on a pig farm. Speaking of of the most delusional comments I've ever heard came from a champion pig eater from Galicia named Don Enrique. This guy used to munch on more boars than Obelix from the kiddies comic book series Asterix and Obelix. In between gobbling on piglets he would offer long and tedious discourse on the glories of Barcelona. 'No thieves in Barcelona" was a one of his favourite phrases. A bit like Freddie M he was deeply smitten by the beautiful smitten he failed to notice the infestation of mice in his own apartment. When someone drew his attention to a particularly large mouse/rat thing with big red beady eyes making merry on top of his fridge he solemnly pronounced "there are NO rats in Barcelona" and if Don Enrique says there are no rats in Barcelona then there are NO rats in Barcelona.
Both Freddie Merk and the Don had trademark Moustaches...both were deeply smitten with the equation runs like with distinctive moustache +Barcelona= visions of beautiful horizons and a city without rats=DELUSION